Truths About Marriage I’d Like You to Know

Man and woman holding hands at a table

“Zayn, I need to talk to you.”

When a close friend who’s just been married or is deciding to texts me those words, I fill equally with a sense of understanding and dread. After letting her know an approximate time of when my son will choose to take his nap that afternoon so we can talk, I go about getting things done and thinking of the girl I’m going to be listening to soon. I think of everything I know of her, and everything she’s told me about the person she’s chosen or may be choosing to spend the rest of her life with. Then I mentally kick myself for having unwittingly assumed the role of marriage advisor and wonder at what exact point in time I became one.

How do I advise someone about what marriage is going to be like or what to think of/do about/how to navigate through a usual/unusual marital situation, when I am barely 6 years old in marriage, will never really know the minutest details of their sticky situation (like the weather that day, if there were any changes in the flavor of their usual breakfast drink, which angle the MIL’s eyes were positioned at that exact moment to better determine her intentions, if his colleague had finally hit the wrong nerve, etc.) and who they and their husbands really become within the four walls of their house?

I thought about what could be some general and important truths about marriage – things most people don’t (want to) talk about and too many people should have known before they made the leap. I  decided to write down my most profound personal realizations based on everything I’ve experienced, witnessed, been confided in about and have understood in these almost 6 years. For the ones I love and the ones I may never know. I’ll start with the very first thing I’d like you to know about marriage:

  1. There will never, ever be a marriage like yours.

    Because there will never be another you and another him to ever exist. This is the greatest and most beautiful truth about marriage. No one will ever be able to forge or fully comprehend the exact bond you share because your marriage, like every single marriage out there (how ironic), is a unique bond of two unique people. That’s why it’s futile to measure your marriage against someone else’s, in fact you can’t even compare your current marriage to a past marriage you may have had because the most fundamental element of any marriage, the spouse, is different. And the worst thing you could do is compare your marriage to the imaginary one you’ve created in your head with that person “you could’ve/would’ve been with if not for…” because, okay this may be tough to get but it’s the truth, you have no idea who you will really turn out to be with that someone and how your marriage will really turn out till you’re married to them.

    Yet, despite this, you will go through a range of typical, routine problems couples all over the world have to deal with, regardless of who you and your spouse are.

    The tough part is when you face those excruciating situations unique to your marriage that you’ll have to battle through alone. Times when no one will understand why you aren’t as happy as you should be and what you’re making a fuss or constantly fighting about. And it is okay in these times to be broken, because either you know something you can never say out loud, or you have an inside view of reality no one will ever see, or believe. These are the real trying times, the times where you will find no solace, no respite, no solution, no relief and no recovery from except through reliance on the only One except you who understands.

  2. You will never truly know a person till you are married to them.

    Yep, it does get worse than that: you will never truly know who you are till you get married (I hate to say ‘wait and watch’, I really do).

    Yes, even if you’ve been dating from the hospital nursery, living day in and day out with someone in a relationship where both parties have legal rights and can be held legally, morally and socially liable is a totally. different. ball game. Everyone’s true self only comes out under this triple-filter test. Sometimes he will become a burden you wish you could break free from with no consequences, and sometimes you will become the last person he wants to be with. There will be days when you will not be able to look at your own self in the mirror, and days when you will wonder if you even recognize the person lying next to you.

    Yet, even so… the incredible truth also is, that you will never know what you’re capable of becoming and the brilliant transformation you’re capable of inspiring in someone’s life, till you are married.

    Patience and perseverance are as immutable as gravity: they have the same result, wherever they are applied. There’s powerful positive transformation happening every time there is friction followed by resolution, unfortunately we just don’t get to see it right then (just like so many obvious things we get blind to whenever there’s friction). And always, always remember: the transformation’s happening both ways. Regardless of who is truly wrong or right, every time there is friction and there is perseverance in the face of it, both spouses grow by leaps and bounds. If you  were right and you forgave, you become more magnanimous than you were. If you were wrong and you accepted, you’ve given your ego another good blow and your marriage another solid brick. If he was right and he was gracious about it, your respect and love for him will shoot through the roof. If he was wrong and you didn’t go on about it, he will give you starry-eyed stares for not being an incarnation of his dad/mom in these situations.

  3. Marriage will NOT compensate for the fun you did not have.

    I don’t know if I should continue writing or draft my final will first because the moral police has set out to find me and finish me right about now (my dad might just be driving them). But I shall continue because I’d rather die making a point.

    You’ve heard it girls:
    “You can do everything you want, after you get married.”
    “Once you’re married your husband will take you wherever you want, but you can’t go now.”
    “Steer clear of boyfriends and wait to marry the right one – I promise you’ll have the greatest time of your life!”

    NO, YOU WILL NOT. You will not get to do “everything you want” when you do a pregnancy test one day and find two lines on the reader. You will not get to go “wherever you want” when your husband is away at work 10 hours a day, spends a total of 3 hours on the road and comes home wanting to just dive into bed. And, your husband may never end up being everything you imagined in that boyfriend you made sure you never had – no, this does not mean you should have a boyfriend before you’re married, it means just don’t come into marriage expecting any of this. If you’ve been fed this stuff, I want to honestly let you know that none of it is absolutely true.

    Your parents may understandably want to shelter you from anything that may cause you harm, and in the case of desi parents this includes the possibility of dying in a car crash if you roll down the car window without their permission. But I can perhaps say now that alot of children have been stopped from much more than they need to be, without being given any alternative source of enjoyment either. Alot of parents have stifled their children, especially their daughters, when it comes to allowing them the space and freedom to enjoy their lives, saying no to whatever they like just because they can. It is these same children who end up making ill-informed or hasty choices for marriage and then fill with regret, resentment and frustration when they aren’t met with the freedom and fulfillment they had always imagined (and were told) marriage would afford them.

    So if you’re a young adult, do what you enjoy or are passionate about (if it’s halal of course). Color your hair if you like, join that art class you’ve always been interested in even though your parents may prefer you focus on your grades, go for those hiking trips and crazy escapes in the middle of the semester, hang out with your friends and have great conversations and it’s okay to be back late sometimes. Apply to your dream university even if your parents may not believe in you/want you to go there just to know if you would’ve ever got in (and if you do they will most likely want you to go trust me), don’t constantly guilt yourself about ‘maybe’ upsetting your parents about every little thing. From what I’ve noticed repeatedly, parents forget and forgive much easier than we imagine and keep relaxing their rules with every new child as they grow in wisdom and realize they’ve been making a big deal of too many things.

  4. Your happiness depends on how honest you’ve been with yourself, above all else.

    I’m serious, before you even conjure the silhouette of your future husband in your mind’s eye, take a paper and pen and do your best to discover your own self first. Are you an extrovert or an introvert, or both? Do you really want an extrovert or an introvert, or both?  What are your inherent strengths? What have different people in your life consistently pointed out in you as a flaw? Have you ever given that flaw any thought or done something about it (for the record: it will be this flaw which we’ve always failed to acknowledge that will come out in its most vicious form after marriage)? What childhood wounds are festering inside you that may end up hurting your marriage or the person you’re married to? Are you ready to be more selfless, patient and sacrificing or are you just hormonal? Are you really okay with whatever his family is like as long as he fits your criteria of ideal husband (LIKE REALLY)? Are you really okay if he doesn’t have a well-paying job right now or would you rather start off well settled? What techniques of conflict resolution do you usually resort to, and what negative and positive patterns are you carrying in yourself from being exposed to your parents’ relationship? Are you aware and ready for the fact that every marriage will go through a test?

    Based on all of this (and many more similar questions), what kind of person do you really want, need and feel you can live with? And based on the answer to that, how close does the person you’re considering seem to being the one?

    Instead, we’re so busy trying to slim down to fit into that perfect bridal dress with exquisite sequins and choosing the correct font for the invitation card, that we don’t realize not having considered these questions will be the reason we’ll have a severe urge to burn that same dress or card one day, because we can’t stand the sight of our stupidity.

  5. There will never, ever be any valid reason to rush into marriage.

    Not for halal sex, not because you’re getting older, not because good guys are getting extinct, not because something is better than nothing, not because marriage halls are getting expensive, not because your younger cousins already have two kids, not because you’re dangerously close to being too mature for a woman and you may never ever find a man more mature than you, not because your beauty is fading, not because your khala thinks it’s time, not because it’s better before you get any fatter, not because someone wants to see you married before they die, not because you just want to finally be able to set your relationship status to atleast goddamn ‘engaged’ while your friends are putting up statuses about baby poop, not because it is your lucky year according to the Chinese calendar, not because he’s too cute to not be snatched away by someone else, not because you just have to buy and wear that stunning wedding dress, not because you have to honor some made-up promise to a cousin’s father the day you were born,  NOTHING.

    There is absolutely NO reason to rush into choosing who you will be spending the rest of your life with, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, and for as long as which you can never legally enjoy the same sort of relationship with anyone else.

    You only get married for the first time once. You only lose (for lack of a better word) your virginity, your singlehood and leave your parents’ house as a first-time bride once in your entire life. You only entrust everything you are – your hopes, your dreams, your mind, your soul, your body, your fears, your ‘never married’ self to another person ONCE in your life. You will never have the power of this unbridled choice again.

    Think, ponder, consult people, consult God, consult loved ones, consult enemies (to identify what will make them happy about this marriage), consult children (they usually have the most innocent agendas “he’s great because he always comes with chocolates”), keep praying on it till your heart feels at peace either to go ahead or opt out.  Make sure you’ve done everything in your power to be as sure as you could have ever been.

  6. Great marriages exist.

    I know, I know, the previous 5 points may have made you seriously reconsider becoming a mosque matron/solo-travelling till you die a solitary death/being content baby-sitting other people’s children for the rest of your life, but yes, as much as all of them are true, the saving grace of the institute of marriage is that great marriages exist (just like the fact that there have been people who have awoken from a coma after 35 years).

    How do I know? No, my marriage is not great, it’s good, but I feel it getting there. I’ve seen people get there. I’ve personally witnessed couples who’ve made it, just as I’ve personally been made privy to many miserable marriages. And just like everything I’ve said so far to try and remove the sugar-coating glazed onto the image of marriage, I’ll tell you that great marriages take alot, A LOT of hard, crazy, mental, ridiculous, backbreaking work. And while also depending on who’s in it, a crazy long time to happen.

    What kind of work? Like controlling your eyeballs when you would have definitely rolled them (try imagining someone being absolutely absurd and then giving a benign, gracious smile), like sincerely responding with “you’re right, I am” when someone subtly/explicitly compares you to a useless sloth, like hearing “not today/now/this year/this month” to something you’ve really been looking forward to for a long time and saying “sure, fine.” (NOT “Sure. FINE.”), like choosing to be nursing your new child while your single friends are choosing which country to fly to next, like telling yourself “maybe he’ll try next time” when he’s never tried in ages, like apologizing even when you know you’re not wrong for the sake of sleeping in peace or so the kids see you happy, like accepting your fault without putting up a senseless fight every time, like choosing to continue being open and vulnerable after being hurt, like trusting your gut instincts about the good in the person you married and going on, like finding out your spouse found someone else attractive and forgiving them despite the deep heartache, like controlling the urge to fill your loneliness with temporary relationships when the going gets tough, like supporting your spouse when they’ve lost your only source of income and are unsure of where to go next, like greeting guests with a wide smile when you’ve cried your eyes out moments before, like putting your dreams on hold till the family settles, like making an effort even when you’re exhausted, like coming to terms with the fact that you will never agree on or enjoy those certain things together and choosing to continue despite that, like choosing to treat your spouse’s wound/illness over your sleep/your game/your show, like listening even when it gets boring, like consciously trying even when it doesn’t come naturally to you, like having long periods of mundane, unexciting days and still finding something to be happy about, like lowering your gaze when you suddenly feel like taking one more look, like continuing to be there when you’ve been given the cold shoulder, like listening with an open mind even when you’re in the line of fire, like biting back on that word you’re dying to hurl, like trying to find meaning when nothing’s making sense, like continuing to pray for it even when nothing seems to be changing, like keeping up your effort even when there’s barely any in return, like not acting on impulse when you feel like you have just about every right to, like consciously recalling the good when you face the bad, like not giving up even if you have to keep fighting harder and longer for the good… like too many things we’d rather not do.

    When you go through all of that and (ALOT) more together and come out alive, take a photograph of yourselves and send it to me. I need empirical evidence to write a book on this.

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47 thoughts on “Truths About Marriage I’d Like You to Know

    1. I couldn’t thank you enough for giving me a hope and a purpose that my engagement will work out too. Despite of heartaches, sufferings, struggles I may go through if I finally put my ego and stubbornness down I will succeed too.

      May Allah reward you for sharing your peeps sly perspectives with those many women around the world who are in need of these words.

      1. The most beautiful things in life require the hardest work Shila. I’m sure you’ll come out stronger and happier and continue to have a great marriage iA. Much love and aameen to your dua!

  1. 35+ and never married. Based on my personal reflections, journey and experiences as yet – I just want to say, reading this post gave me goose bumps, had me teary eyed for the most part, and i kept having, ‘EXACTLY’ – ‘YES! JUST THAT’ moments, through out – reading what brilliant advice you’ve given and realities that you’ve spoken of. I’ve attended uncountable workshops/seminars and read uncountable articles on this subject and despite not having hands on experience as ‘a wife’ – I totally believe and feel similarly about all that you’ve said. I’m so glad you’ve written then with such honesty and passion. May Allah swt reward you and your loved ones with infinite khair and goodness in all things of both worlds – Ameen. And I just want to give you a big warm long hug – to thank you for this wonderful much needed piece. May every honest earnest beautiful soul of Allah who wishes to embark upon this journey, or is already on it – find benefit in it and from it – this your article I mean… Ameen 🙂

    JazakiAllah khair x

    Your sister in Islam

    1. Dear Hayaah, first of all I have an immediate liking for anyone with that name because every single Hayaa I know of has been a gem, because of which any daughter I may have in future (inshaAllah) has already been named! May Allah bless you for your kind and warm words, may He enlighten your path and fill your heart, mind and soul with His love, aameen.

  2. Wow! I haven’t been married for too long but every single word you wrote hit so close to home. There have been days when I miss my single like so much it physically hurts.. But try to keep moving forward.

    Thanks for a wonderful article. May Allah grant you lots of happiness and most importantly contentment in you future.

    1. I know exactly what you mean, turns out we all come to that point in marriage and it’s okay to miss what was. Keep going, you’re getting to the better parts soon! Aameen to your kind dua.

  3. There is so much you need to figure out about urself, so many things to consider about him and so much work that you need to put in.
    ^ I’ve read lots of articles that talk about these things, but all they do is take you to the precipice and leave you there. For example, I would wonder when everyone says “marriage is so much work, its so trying” what work do they mean? And based on stories from married friends, i would count the problems off on my fingers and wonder what they were talking about? But when i read the last part, i kept going “oh-oh-oh” because noone ever tells you about the little things. Maybe for fear of getting judged or maybe because its too mundane for them now, but noone does. Like I believe, its the little things, its always the little things.And it is in these countless little scenarios that you’ve mentioned that i realised what kind of emotionally- physically draining work it can be.

    Also, loved how no.1 addresses the mistake most people make- of comparing their marriage to another. Everyone knows, yet still subconsciously does it.
    Right now, i have so much to say and ask, i think it would only be possible to stop if i got it all out, face to face.
    JazakAllah khair for your honesty. May Allah make your marriage rewarding in every way so that you can be the first person whose picture you can use as empirical evidence!

    (reposting my comment cuz comments affect blog hits and all that)

  4. Beautifully written Zaynab ! Trust me every bit of this just filled my eyes. Truly Zaynab this is just amazing ! May Allah bless all your efforts .Aameen ! Keep writing…I just love your work 🙂

  5. “choosing to be nursing your new child while your single friends are choosing which country to fly to next, ”
    Yeah I’m doing that right now.. And I’ve done those other things to various degrees over almost 4 years..
    It really is worth it… Swallowing back, biting your tongue, silent crying, unconditional support…
    I was lucky enough to be able to let my folks know when I was ready for marriage.. And though it was VERY different from what I imagined, I’m glad I could prepare myself through lots of prayer and lots of literature and lots of reflection…
    Thank you for this.. Needed to hear it all again..

  6. Will you freak out if I say that I (instantly) loved you (for the sake of Allah) and wanted to give you a big hug though I know nothing about you and though this was your very first post that I read? OK, that was a rhetorical question!
    I LOVED every single word of this brilliantly written piece and I’m gonna make sure that every single person I know gets to read it (must-shove-down-their-face-if-I-need-to).
    You are blessed, ma shaa Allah. You have a way of putting across a point eloquently, fluidly and simply without dumbing it down or sounding too simplistic.
    Definitely subscribing to your blog and I don’t remember subscribing to any blog before.
    Allahumma baarik laka sister.
    Assalamualaykum.

  7. Such an articulate well written article zaynab. Where wete you before i got married???😊 id like to ask ypu a question though… would you have any idea about when its good to walm off. I mean you could do all of the above your entire lifetime and never be happy or fulfilled… Does anyone know??

  8. Wow.. Wow wow.. I could not have put it in better words..
    I’ve just been married for over a year and I know that I have gone through so many of the things you mentioned… You’re brave enough to speak the truth!! Keep it up!

    You made me feel like I’m not stupid.. I swear!
    Thank you for writing this..

  9. Assalamualaikum dear sister

    Jazakillahukhairan katheeran for the wonderful article. To be honest this is exactly what I faced in first yr of my marriage. I stopped for a min and started to think if I have written this article 😛 because whatever u said is so true. From a khadus husband to the in laws attitude and being lonely not wanting to share abt my situation with my parents, so as to avoid any wrong advice.

    Allahuakbar Allah has been merciful on me that he guides me to sisters like you to guide me when I feel low.

    Love u for the sake of Allah
    How do I approach u for ur advice in future?

    Masalaam

  10. I feel like I just had a crash course in marriage in under 60 seconds. Lol! Actually it took me way longer to read it because I paused and thought about every single sentence like I was writing an exam paper.

    JazakAllahu khair heaps for this Zayn and for every single piece of advice you’ve ever showered upon me ❤️ May Allah bless and increase your marriage hikmah and *ahem* firaasah abilities 😉 and make your marriage great enough to be empirical evidence for the book I can’t wait for you to write! Ahhh what would I do without you 🙂

    Love,
    Saf

  11. What a well thought out, beautifully written post!. I loved it beyond words can express. There is a lot of truth and passion in the way you wrote. Thanks for writing it ♡

  12. Assalamualaikum Zaynab,
    I pretty sure you don’t know me. We’re from the same school, you were my senior. From those days and even to this day, I adore you! You were an inspiration to me in the school days and now that i’ve come across your article I’m filled with joy. I really loved this article. All of the points mentioned are very true. MashaAllah very beautifully written and you’ve addressed each situation very honestly!! May Allah swt bless you and your family with best of things. Aameen.
    Having read the above article, I’d like to share my experience with marriage so far hoping i can help someone in need..
    I’ve been married for a year and a half now and I must say that marriage is a pure blessing! We may not have that perfect marriage that we always dreamt of, but with small efforts of understanding we will get there In Sha Allah.
    Alhamdulillah I have been blessed with good in-laws and an understanding husband. But that doesn’t mean i don’t face difficulties. There are ups and downs.. Some days are amazing and some days are down in the dumps and all you wanna do is cry. Living with another person puts lots of responsibilities on both the husband and the wife. We need to understand that we’re not the only ones who are going through the rough phase. Your spouse also is in it along with you. Supporting each other is the best thing you can do in marriage. When one is feeling low the other should cheer him/her up. Its a crazy ride. But in the end you’ll realize that its totally worth it! You just need to know when you’re ready to face all that and once you are, its the most beautiful journey ever.
    May ALLAH swt make our marriages rewarding and bless us abundantly.. Aameen.
    Assalamualaikum.

  13. I’m a 21 year old who isn’t married but I saw this link on a friend’s wall and wanted to read it anyway. And I’d like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. The third point you mentioned makes so much sense in this phase of my life and I can imagine how many women have benefited from the things you have written and will write in the future. Just want you to know that sometimes all a person needs is to read something like this and connect it to whatever struggle they are going through and things don’t seem so bad anymore.
    May god bless you and please keep writing 🙂

    1. Tamanna, your name is special because it is my mother’s name 🙂 Thanks so much for your kind words and I hope you’ll sail through your struggles and find that life is beautiful iA.

  14. What a lovely read Zaynab..! So glad I met u..! Thanks Jet airways:-). No words to describe how u have touched us readers in a way or two.. It’s our journey you’ve written, you’ve advertised it back to us all saying look it’s worth it..! Don’t stop there!! Therez more to this.. Your story has just begun.. Just get going.. What really struck me is a NO MENTION of giving up! Hats off.. Most of us are going to benefit from this read. Do proud of u my friend. God bless you..

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