Duaa, Soulmates and the Absolute Exhilaration in Surrender

It was a very very long time ago when I discovered the most intriguing thing about my creation: that I was created with another part. A part that I have never seen, a part that was not made in me, but for me. A part that only time would bring, and I had to look out for. The part that would finally make me complete.

I was left with only a few clues about it: It was somewhere on earth. It was made of the same stuff that I was. It changed for the better if I did, and it deteriorated if I did. And most importantly, it was looking for me too.
Since the realization of this truth, I could say life was anything but easy. The first challenge after this realization was being aware of my incompleteness, recognizing that there is a void. A void that my society threatened to treat as a pitiful handicap if it existed ‘too long’. But themost excruciating of all was ignoring that void till it was to be filled with what fit just right. And I say excruciating because of the constant psychological pressure to fill that void, either making me break my head over tricky duplicates or with what society forced me to consider for its various stupid reasons, and when every time that void refused to be filled except by what belongs there, it painfully taunted me of its existence. Till there were numerous times I was so frustrated and/or disillusioned by the importance given to it that I vowed to desensitize myself and leave it empty, gaping at me for the rest of my life.
Thank God I decided something better: to desensitize myself to the pressure itself and not the void. In fact, I even stopped seeing it as a void. I saw it as it should be seen: a precious place to be taken, if and when Allah thinks best. And by whom Allah thinks best.
So as I prayed for goodness in all those other aspects of my life that are only in Allah’s knowledge, I continued to pray for goodness and delight when I am to finally see this place taken.
When a family friend once expressed that he liked me, I told him I was already in love. With someone I’ve never seen, but I know is out there. I was in love and I was preparing myself for him, and waiting. Waiting for the day time would finally reveal him to me. There would be endless discussions with friends about what, when and how it could happen, and we would either end up contemplating our dilemmas in silence, or laugh our lives out at our helpless speculations. Often times it would be solitary wondering, either while drinking coffee alone after a long tiring day or for a moment or two just before turning in for the night, or while staring at the solitary moon, or in those moments of quiet prayer in itikaaf.
Sometimes the wait got long and tiring. Many times I’d just think of giving up and giving in to whatever comes along, then I would remember the aayah from Surah Rahman: “Is not the reward for good only good?” So I’d wait a little more and try to preserve the goodness a little more. Then one day, my close friend mentioned to me that if I really wanted something from Allah, no classes, no routine, no sleep would keep me from waking up in the middle of the night and praying tahajjud to Him. So I finally decided to give it a try because the pressure on me to get married was increasing and I knew I would have to make a decision very soon. And to my own surprise, I found myself waking up at tahajjud without an alarm, without any reminders. After two weeks of earnest appeal in tahajjud, of testing my own hope and trust in Allah, I realised this unrevealed part of my life had given me alot more than I asked for: the most beautiful of all, was that it taught me how to ask from Allah. It taught me how to ask as His servant, His slave, His own personal creation– I confessed and complained and I asked and begged and pleaded, and I surrendered.felt like an empty-handed helpless slave, and nothing ever felt so good. SubhanAllah. It taught me the insignificance of myself, my abilities, my name and my irrelevant little attributes and the true value of His grace and forebearance and mercy throughout my life, but above all, the ultimate outcome of my pleading to Him was literally living proof of the power of proper duaa: the proof of His greatness to do all things, the proof of His definite answer to those who call on Him, the proof of His perfect discharge of trust for those who rely only on Him, and one of the most delightful forms of His mercy in my life. The answer to my duaa to Allah that I waited so, so long for… was much more than I expected, much much more than I deserved and better than I could ever imagine, Ma sha Allah. Alhamdulillah.
Originally written on 15th July 2010, the morning of my wedding.

15 thoughts on “Duaa, Soulmates and the Absolute Exhilaration in Surrender

  1. This is really beautifully. very moving mashaAllah. You’re amazing just like your sister Hafsah. 😉

  2. masha’Allah…..i am truly inspired by this….this is sumthing mayb i was searchin for such a long tym… all thanx and praise to ALLAH…. jazakiALLAH sister for ur inspiring words…

  3. Ma Shaa Allah you tasted the true feeling of the duaa. It’s a rare thing, the connection that you feel to an unseen power, realizing you’re nothing. How can one achieve it?

    I find myself in desperate need and yet no feeling in the duaa. The distractions of this life are too many. Is learning Arabic the trick?

    1. What this experience has taught me is that in order to experience that connection, you must begin by letting go of everything for a while, including what you want to ask for, and just imagine Allah as your Creator. Focus on this one attribute of Allah: your CREATOR. The One who made you and proportioned you and fashioned your every feature – the only One to whom you really belong and the One with whom you have the most primary relationship – try imagining who this Lord is, how much you mean to Him as His own personal creation and how much He really loves you. The love and closeness you will feel will be greater than anything you have ever felt, greater than that tender attachment you felt as a child for your parents or that merciful love for your spouse or anyone else – the strongest and most beautiful form of love is for your Origin – Allah. Where and from Whose Hands you came from. Imagine being created by His hands.. would He have not looked at you and made you with so much love? Now with this love and this image in your mind, make sujood. You will feel like a slave and you will feel liberated from every fear and every burden and nothing will be more beautiful than to feel such servanthood.
      Revel in this beautiful state as long as you wish before you begin asking and seeking from Allah. You will notice how different your asking will feel – full of hope in His mercy and generosity. You will not feel shy to ask for anything, nor to confess anything, nor to complain about anything. You will complain and confess and ask like you are asking a dear close One. And there is no one closer to us in every sense than our Maker.

      1. Jazakallah for such a long, detailed advice. Now just teach me how to imagine, 🙂

        What I am increasingly finding is that it might be a good idea to pack the bags and set off for the mountains for some time to uncover my mind and feel that feeling once… so I know what it feels like. Then practice it in the hustle bustle of this life. Jazakallah once again.

  4. This is so beautiful… Ma shaa Allah! This has left me speechless..
    May Allah make you perfect for each other and bless you with the best of both worlds. Ameen..

  5. This piece is great – shows how much you’ve grown emotionally and mentally. But your advice to afeefmirza is golden, and my feeling’s that it should be a piece in itself

  6. One of your best pieces Zayn, I remember how mesmerized I was by it when I read it the first time. So glad that you decided to share it, because this is absolutely IT, for anybody married, seeking to get married, or simply just lying in their beds and thinking of who he/she might be.
    Love you and and May Allah bless you immensely with the best in this Dunya and in the Aakhira ❤ ❤ ❤

  7. Speechless Zaynab…
    This was truly beyond beautiful. May Allah fill your life with love, understanding, mercy and joy…
    (P.S: Please tell your husband he’s a VERY lucky man!)

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